spigot: does he literally have no idea he's putting his penis in her bottom

spigot: THEY LITERALLY MANSPLAINED ALL OVER MY FACE

pants: literally slobbering over the knob deuce: handkerchief daintily to corners of mouth, then back to it

pants: A LITTLE BIRD LOOKED DOWN ON ME AND SAID "SUCK MORE DICKS" WHICH IS WHAT BRINGS ME TO THE PRESENT, GENTLEMEN

spigot: FIRST I'LL JIZZ UP YOUR FACE SO YOU LOOK LIKE A RODEO CLOWN spigot: THEN I WRITE LITTLE COMEDY BITS TO PERFORM ON JERKCITY spigot: THE PLAINTIFF IN THIS CASE CLAIMS THE DEFENDANT POKED OUT HIS EYE THROUGH A GLORYHOLE spigot: THE DEFENDANT SUGGESTS HE WAS MERELY RELAXING AND DID NOT INVITE THE PLAINTIFF TO PERFORM spigot: LAUGHTER IS MY GIFT TO THE WORLD

deuce: I'M LITTLE ENDIAN pants: FUCK YOU

spigot: WHO'S GAY spigot: I VOTE ME deuce: I VETO spigot: OBJECTION

: KRAKOOM! pants: FEAR NOT TINY PEOPLES, I ONLY PLAN TO EAT SOME OF YOU uncredited tiny woman: JESUS! uncredited tiny man: SON OF A BITCH!

pants: COPS SENDING ROBOT INTO PARK RESTROOM

deuce: FOLKS I'M TRYING A SMOKED GOUDA TRISCUIT FOR THE FIRST TIME (STARTING MY LIVE BLOG) deuce: CRONCH CRONCH CRONCH deuce: NOT BAD (STOPPING LIVE BLOG)

atandt: I GUESS YOU DID NOT HEAR atandt: THE FONZI CONTEST WAS CANCELLED

spigot: BORN TO LICK (DICK) spigot: BORN TO SUCK (PRICK) spigot: BORN TO CHOKE (TAKE A GUESS!!!!!!!) spigot: DICKS OR PRICKS

pants: SYNDICATED BY LIVEJOURNAL ?????? ????????? ????????/////// WHAT IF MY MOUTH AND FACE AND NECK AREN'T BLOGWORTHY ????????? pants: I DID WHAT YOU SAID AND SET NMBCLUST TO 65535 AND MAX_KMAPENT TO 1500 AND THE FUCKING THING STOPPED CRASHING pants: I BROKE INTO THE HOUSE TO STEAL THE BUNNY (NO MONEY WAS TAKEN)

uncredited woman: THANKS FOR LETTING ME VOTE !!!! THE FREEDOM TO PUSH YOU OUT OF THE WAY WITH MY STROLLER AND MY 4X4 !!!! AMERICA / AMERICA uncredited woman: I PUT TAMPONS IN MY CUNT uncredited woman: SAY WOULD YOU LIKE TO SEE MY TITS ??? DO I GET CHILD SUPPORT PAYMENTS BEFORE OR AFTER THE ACT ??? ALL I KNOW IS I CAN'T COOK BUT I CAN SWING ON A POLE

pants: MY BONER WILL NEVER DIE deuce: HE THAT BELIEVETH IN ME SHALL HAVE A BONER THAT WILL LIVE FOREVER pants: THE BEAUTY OF THEIR SOULS deuce: THEY DON'T HAVE SOULS

spigot: I READ THE CHRONICLE BECAUSE IT DOESN'T FORCE ME TO BE GAY IT JUST SUGGESTS IT pants: LITTLE MAN CLAPPING

spigot: THERE'S NOTHING FUNNY ABOUT LIVING WITH MY CATS ON NOB HILL deuce: BUTTSLUTS ARE BORN, NOT MADE

spigot: WHAPPING MY DICK ALONG THE PICKET FENCE

spigot: LICK MY DICK TO THESE LO-FI BEATS

spigot: I AM A LOAD OF JIZZ deuce: LET'S GET IT ON deuce: OOOH BABE spigot: MY LOADNESS WAS NOT AN INVITATION TO COMEDY deuce: LET'S GET IT ON

pants: i got stuck in a block between loaded and unloaded chunks deuce: hot dogs are a subset of corn dogs but neither is a subset of dogs (FYI)

atandt: COMPUTER atandt: LOCATE DEUCE atandt: COMPUTER atandt: LOCATE DEUCE atandt: COMPUTER atandt: SIGH atandt: FOLKS MY STAR TREK COMMUNICATOR IS BROKEN deuce: T ATANDT YOU HAVE TO TAP IT LIKE THEY DO IN THE NEXT GENERATION

spigot: WHO DOESN'T LOCK THE COCKPIT TO BEAT OFF

spigot: DREIDEL DREIDEL DREIDEL / A HOOKER AND A WHORE spigot: OPEN UP spigot: I HAVE CHARTS AND GRAPHS WHICH ILLUSTRATE HOW FUNNY AND CLEVER I AM

spigot: DO WE AT LEAST GET TO RIDE THE QUEEN'S COFFIN DOWN THE LOG RIDE AT GREAT AMERICA

spigot: T DEUCE I DON'T LIKE THE WAY YOU THROW THE WORD "LOGS" AROUND deuce: I DON'T LIKE ANY OF YOU PEOPLE deuce: I HOPE YOU KNOW THAT

spigot: IF LOIS AYRES, NINA HARTLEY AND JEANETTE LITTLEDOVE WERE TRAPPED IN A BURNING BUILDING AND YOU ONLY HAD ENOUGH TIME TO SAVE ONE OF THEM, WHERE WOULD YOU AND JEANETTE LITTLEDOVE GO ON YOUR HONEYMOON ?????????????? THERE IS NO RIGHT/WRONG ANSWER AS LONG AS THE OTHER TWO BURN DOWN AND BE QUIET FOREVER deuce: I'M WITH YOU ALL THE WAY ON THAT ONE

spigot: LOL POOR PEOPLE deuce: T PANTS "LOL" STANDS FOR "LAUGHING OUT LOUD"

spigot: G G G G deuce: PFFFFTTTTHHHH deuce: I FARTED !!!!!!!!!!!!!! HHAHAHAH FSKH spigot: LOL BRB!!!!!!! : SPIGOT NEVER COMES BACK deuce: ROTFLMAO !!!!!!!

atandt: I ASKED YOU TO WAIT THIRTY MINUTES BEFORE LICKING ANOTHER DICK pants: NO CARS DELIVERED WITHOUT THIS CHECK atandt: YOU'RE GOING TO GET A HORRIBLE PAIN IN THE BELLY pants: ALLOW TWENTY MINUTES FOR CAR RETRIEVAL atandt: IF I DIDN'T KNOW BETTER I'D SWEAR YOU UNLICKED THEM ON PURPOSE pants: THIS CONTRACT LIMITS OUR LIABILITY! READ IT!

deuce: IT'S LONELY HERE WITHOUT COCKS & BALLS deuce: IF I WERE HTML I'D BE & deuce: MONOLOGUE PEOPLE deuce: ABHLABLHBAHLABHLABLHABHLABLH DICKS deuce: A MOMENT OF SILENCE PLEASE deuce: BALHBALHBALHABHLABLHBAHLAB

spigot: LONELY AND SAD spigot: AND ONLY DICK WILL HELP spigot: BONK BONK spigot: GUIDE ME I'M BLIND spigot: BONK DONK POKING

deuce: IT'S LONELY ON THE TOP (OF THE SHIT PILE)

spigot: A BIG DISCUSSION THAT LASTED LONG AND GAY AND FAT INTO THE NIGHT spigot: THERE WAS A LOT OF TOUCHING spigot: EVENTUALLY WE FIGURED OUT HOW TO INSTALL MICROSOFT PROJECT AND WE GENERATED A TIMELINE FOR MY BALLS

(pants): CAN THEY HEAR ME THINKING (spigot): YOU'RE NOT THINKING YOU'RE WHISPERING .(pants): HOW ABOUT NOW spigot: UH : PANTS THINKS LONG AND HARD ABOUT WHAT HAS HAPPENED HERE spigot: NOW THAT'S JUST

pants: OKAY NOW *YOU* TYPE AT THE KEYBOARD AND *I'LL* WATCH YOU TRY TO FOOL PEDOPHILES INTO MEETING AT THE LONG BEACH STING HOUSE pants: I SEE YOU BROUGHT WINE COOLERS AND AN OFF-BRAND IPOD

deuce: FUCK YOU PAY ME pants: THAT'S NOT pants: SIGHS, GETS OUT WALLET

spigot: in episode 2 of cosmos, dr. sagan describes how the destruction of an ancient japanese society led to ladies of the imperial court reduced to selling flowers . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . spigot: . . . . . . . . . . (long long sagan pause) . . . . . . . . . . . . . spigot: . . . . . . and . . . . . "other things"

deuce: OUR LONG NATIONAL NIGHTMARE IS OVER deuce: ENCHILADAS FOR EVERYBODY

spigot: T PANTS I FOUND THE VIDEOTAPE OF YOU/ME DICKLICKING IN VALLEY FAIR TOILET pants: I DON'T pants: KNOW WHAT YOU'RE (LONG PAUSE) pants: TALKING ABOUT

spigot: I DON'T HAVE A PRICK IN MY FACE PEOPLE spigot: [LONG PAUSE] spigot: THANKS FOR TRYING TO CHEER ME UP

spigot: SO LONG STORY SHORT I'D LIKE TO REDIRECT THE NATURE OF THIS CONVERSATION AND BRING IT ON BACK TO WHY YOU DISCONNECTED MY PHONE AND UTILITIES

pants: LONG STORY SHORT I LICK DICK

spigot: WHAT IF EVERYBODY IN THE WHOLE WORLD FLUSHED THE TOILET AT THE SAME TIME spigot: OR WHAT IF I JUST STUFFED EVERYBODY INTO A BIG FAT TOILET spigot: WHAT IF WE BUILT A STALL AND NOBODY CAME????? pants: LONG TIME PASSING

spigot: ABOUT YAY LONG spigot: ABOUT YAY THICK spigot: LADY ARE YOU LOOKING AT MY GESTURES

deuce: LOOK AT MY COCK deuce: LOOK AT IT deuce: WOULD THIS COCK DECEIVE YOU

spigot: T ATANDT :-) spigot: LOOK AT IT SIDEWAYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! atandt: I AM A SAD PATHETIC SHELL OF A MAN

spigot: VERY EMBARRASSED BY MY HEAD GEAR spigot: GLUCK GLUCK LOOK AT ME spigot: AM I A FUTURISTIC ASTRONAUT OR A FREAK YOU DECIDE PEOPLE

spigot: FUCKING SHUT UP pants: I SEE YOU spigot: YOU MOST CERTAINLY DO NOT pants: LOOK DOWN

deuce: DON'T EVER /P ME AGAIN atandt: LOOK HERE FOR GREAT VALUES deuce: I'M LOOKING UNDERNEATH YOUR SKIRT BUT I'M NOT FINDING ANYTHING (JUST A CUNT) atandt: KEEP LOOKING deuce: DUDE A PACK OF CIGARETTES

spigot: WE ONLY TAKE YEGGS WHAT'S BEEN TO COLLEGE pants: MINK IS EDDIE DANE'S BOY deuce: YOU GUYS DON'T SPEAK RIGHT

pants: LOOK ME IN THE EYE AND TELL ME THAT WASN'T YOUR MEMBER : SPIGOT LEAVES pants: I THOUGHT SO

deuce: HEY CHECK IT OUT GUYS IT'S JUPITER AND ITS FOUR BIG MOONS ALL IN A LINE deuce: LOOK IT'S M42: A NEBULA MADE OF GAS AND DUST WHERE STARS ARE BEING BORN deuce: CHECK IT OUT IT'S THE TERMINATOR ON THE MOON AND YOU CAN SEE MOUNTAINS: IT'S A REAL PLACE YOU CAN GO AND WE'VE BEEN THERE pants: WE GET IT YOU'RE ***GAY***

deuce: DICKS OVER HERE THIS WAY pants: JL: AEFJL: DFJL:SDJL: DJL: DSFJL:SDFJ pants: LOOK WHAT I CAN DO K:SFJLKSJFLSKDFJLSKDFJLSFJ pants: I'M THE KING

pants: LOOK WHAT I CAN DO WITHOUT ANY ASSISTANCE FROM THE AUDIENCE pants: HALUGHU LAHGLU HAULGHALUGHULAGHALUGHALUGH LAUGHLAUGH LUAGLAG pants: ALUKG HALGH LAUG LUAHGLU HGALU HAGL HLAUG HLAGHL AHGLU HALGH AAG OKAY I NEED SOME HELP HERE HUAGHALGU HALUKG LUAGH LUAG PERHAPS A LADDER OR A BUCKET HALUGHALGHLU

effigy: CLICK LOOKS A LOT LIKE DICK spigot: THAT'S SAD

spigot: I'M LOOKING IN THE MIRROR AND I JUST DON'T LIKE WHO I AM ANYMORE deuce: SQUIP SQUIRP SQUIRP SQUIP

deuce: I BELIEVE THIS WILL BE THE LAST BEER pants: YET STILL pants: OH HOLY GOD pants: THAT'S A GOOD ONE pants: NICE AND STURDY deuce: I BELIEVE THIS WILL BE THE LAST BEER pants: YET STILL pants: OH HOLY GOD pants: THAT'S A GOOD ONE pants: NICE AND STURDY

deuce: ITALIANS JOKES ARE ALWAYS FUNNY... ALSO ITALIAN CHOKES IRONICALLY ENOUGH spigot: I READ LITERATURE ON THE ITALIAN POKE CIRCA 1793 deuce: I DON'T UNDERSTAND YOU KOREANS SOMETIMES deuce: I THINK I WILL RANSACK YOUR STORE spigot: YOU ARE LOOTING ME AND ALSO BOOTING ME

pants: THE LORDJESUS CHRISTHIMSELF spigot: DIARRHEAALL OVERTHE PELOTON PLUS

atandt: JESUS deuce: LHGHLGAHLGHL atandt: I WAS LOST THERE FOR A SECOND atandt: THEN I SMELLED THAT DISTINCT SMELL OF JUST LICKED DICK deuce: LIKE SINGED HAIR

net: HELP I'M LOST IN SCOTLAND WITH A VT100 dick: LET'S ZOOM IN

atandt: HEAD pants: NECK atandt: LOWER pants: NECK deuce: MOUTH pants: OH LORDY WE'RE FLOATING IN SPACE atandt: LOWER pants: NECK deuce: NOSE pants: LOWER deuce: FACE pants: NECK pants: TUMBLING IN ZERO G deuce: MOM deuce: I FEAR THE JUDGES ARE GOING TO GRADE US HARSHLY ON TIME

pants: T DEUCE WHAT DO EPA REGULATIONS SAY ABOUT MY BONER, MY BALLS deuce: YOU WILL NEED LOTS OF PERMITS

deuce: CHECK OUT MY HUGE PENIS: :GLASS_OF_MILK: pants: WE HAVE LOTS OF PRETTY PICKLES WAITING FOR YOU AT THE REFRESHMENT CENTER deuce: CLARIFY: WHATMANNER OF PICKLES pants: I SUCK DICK IN THE BATHROOM deuce: PICKLES ARECUCUMBERS WITHCHARACTER

pants: PICK ON SOMEBODY YOUR OWN SIZE pants: I AM YOUR SIZE pants: YOU COULD TOTALLY PICK ON ME

spigot: SIGH spigot: SIGH!!!!!! spigot: SIGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! spigot: NOBODY CAME TO MY BIRTHDAY PARTY

pants: BONERPLEX pants: LOUDING deuce: THAT WOULD BE 10^10^BONERS pants: NOTHING AT ALL LIKE ROLLERBALL

pants: LOUDSPEAKER: AND OUR HEROES LICKED DICK, THE END. PLEASE EXIT THE THEATER IN AN ORDERLY FASHION deuce: THEN THE POLICE CAME

atandt: BONK spigot: WONK atandt: BORT spigot: LOVE deuce: HOW ARE YOU spigot: FINE deuce: WOULD YOU LIKE TO COME OVER FOR GAY SEX spigot: HANGING UP NOW

deuce: IN A WORLD FULL OF PRICKS...... deuce: I AM A GAY deuce: PHYSICISTS CALL IT GAY SELF-INDUCTION pants: I CALL IT LOVE

atandt: DOES ANYONE HAVE LOVE FOR ME deuce: HMM deuce: LET'S SEE deuce: NOPE atandt: OH

pants: LOVE IS THE VOICE OF MUSIC pants: I'M TALKING ABOUT THE BIBLE pants: LOVE IS THE VOICE OF MUSIC pants: I'M TALKING ABOUT THE BIBLE pants: LOVE IS THE VOICE OF MUSIC pants: I'M TALKING ABOUT THE BIBLE pants: LOVE IS THE VOICE OF MUSIC pants: I'M TALKING ABOUT THE BIBLE

pants: HOLY GOD pants: IT IS HAPPENING AGAIN pants: I'M PANTS FROM JERKCITY pants: BOOMER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! pants: PUT IT IN YOUR POCKET pants: FACE DOWN IN THE TOILET pants: THE CHOKING, THE CHOKING pants: I LOVE YOU PEDOBEAR

pants: DICKS!!!!!!!!! pants: WHY CAN'T YOU LOVE ME FOR WHO I AM deuce: BECAUSE YOU'RE A DISGUSTING HERMAPHRODITE pants: FAIR ENOUGH

pants: LOVE ME UP THE STAIRS deuce: CAN I LOVE YOU DOWN THE STAIRS pants: NOT IF WE JUST WALK UP THE STAIRS AND THEN YOU LOVE ME DOWN pants: YOU CAN LOVE ME UP AND THEN DOWN

pants: A BEAR NAMED SPIGOT deuce: WELL deuce: YOU'VE GOT TO BEAT THAT BEAR OFF pants: ?!? : HTTP://JERKCITY.COM/LS4D.MP3

pants: WILL YOU WATCH NOTTING HILL WITH ME AND HOLD ME WHEN I CRY ??? deuce: I WILL BEAT YOU ABOUT THE HEAD UNTIL YOU THINK YOU'RE COACH FROM CHEERS pants: OW OW BUT HE'S DEAD OW OW OW OKAY LYING STILL

spigot: T PANTS IF I BEAT OFF NOW LOVE AND HAIGHT MIGHT BE CLOSED, BUT IF I GO TO LOVE AND HAIGHT NOW I MIGHT LOSE MY BONER pants: YOU HAVE EXACTLY ONE HOUR TO FIND EXACT CHANGE FOR THE BUS

atandt: YOU'RE JUST TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE atandt: CAN'T TAKE MY EYES OFF OF YOU atandt: YOU'RE JUST LIKE HEAVEN TO TOUCH atandt: I WANT TO HOLD YOU SO MUCH pants: DOES YOUR WIFE KNOW YOU'RE BACK IN HERE WITH ME AGAIN atandt: NO

pants: ARE YOU PUMPED FOR MCDONALD'S NEW RESTAURANT "COSMC" deuce: FUCK NO deuce: I MEAN I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT IS pants: BUSTED

deuce: I THREW OUT MY BACK OUT TRYING TO BLOW MYSELF

deuce: I'M LEARNING THE TEACHINGS OF JESUS CHRIST deuce: I'M A VOLCANO deuce: BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR deuce: MAYBE THAT WOULD BE FUNNIER IN LOWERCASE deuce: i'm a volcano deuce: brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr deuce: SEE I WAS RIGHT

atandt: BONERS pants: LOWERCASE BONERS ??? atandt: I BELIEVE I AM PREPARED FOR LOWERCASE BONERS pants: KNEEL BEFORE ZOD pants: SORRY WHERE WERE WE atandt: LOWERCASE BONERS

: Previously on Spigot the Bear: An old army buddy comes to visit and spigot has to-- transmission interrupted by loud grinding noise-- signal ends spigot: REPEAT: DICKS spigot: I'VE ALREADY CALLED 911

deuce: MY SOFT KISSES pants: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN: THE BEATLES pants: (TEENAGE GIRLS SCREAMING) SHE LOVES YOU YEAH YEAH YEAH pants: THE BEATLES ON THE ED SULLIVAN SHOW ARE AN EXCELLENT DISTRACTION FROM LOWERCASE FAG KISSES deuce: MMMMMMM KISSES

deuce: EEP EEP EEP pants: ARE YOU A CRICKET OR A LOWERCASE MONKEY deuce: BUK pants: I SEE... TELL ME MORE deuce: FFFFFFF pants: THAT IS HEX FOR FAT

deuce: HHHHHHHH [ANGRY] pants: T DEUCE I COMPLETELY AND WHOLEHEARTEDLY SUPPORT YOUR DEFINITION OF UPERCASE HHHHHHHHHHH AND HHHHHHHHHHHHHH (LOWERCASE NOT SHOWN) deuce: LET'S WRITE AN RFC

deuce: LOWERCASE RAPE pants: EATING DICKS FROM A BUCKET deuce: GROSS

deuce: LET'S ALL ENGAGE IN LUCID DREAMING deuce: GALHAGHLGHGAHLGALGA STILL BEING RAPED AND BEATEN deuce: OKAY I WOULD LIKE TO WAKE UP NOW WHY CAN'T I deuce: JESUS THIS SUCKS

deuce: MRS. HUXTABLE IS HOT deuce: T SPIGOT UP FOR SOME LUKEWARM J/O spigot: T DEUCE LOOBIN' IT UP

deuce: HEY LET'S GO TO LUNCH TOGETHER AND SLAP EACH OTHER'S DICKS WITH CHOPSTICKS spigot: THAT'S RACIST

spigot: T DEUCE SHOULD WE DO LUNCH AT TGI FRIDAYS OR POV JUGGFUCKERS deuce: WHY NOT BOTH

deuce: PLEASE STOP SQUIRMING deuce: YOU'RE ONLY HURTING YOURSELF deuce: LUNCHTIME

pants: WAKE UP AND SMELL THE PANTS pants: YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO pants: WHAT'S FOR LUNCH ANYWAY

deuce: I THINK I HAVE LUPUS deuce: NEVER MIND JUST REALLY BORED

pants: IT'S SUPERBOWL SUNDAY !!! deuce: I'M AWARE spigot: ARE YOU FOLKS WATCHING THE YOUNG SHELDON MARATHON ON PARAMOUNT PLUS effigy: FUCK KANSAS CITY pants: WHERE'S JIMMY G pants: FUCK KANSAS CITY deuce: IS THAT A REAL PLACE spigot: HOLY SHIT YOUNG SHELDON JUST ORDERED A SECOND DESSERT effigy: THEY'RE NOT BOOING THEY'RE SHOUTING JUSZCZYK pants: WHERE'S TAYLOR spigot: THEY JUST FOUND YOUNG SHELDON'S BODY

deuce: my name's Hillary Clinton and I put things in my butt spigot: did she seriously say this deuce: m-m-maybe