pants: all these collar bombs are making me hungry for pizza

spigot: BIRTHDAY SUIT spigot: PANCAKES spigot: SOME OTHER RANDOM WORD THAT'S FUNNY

spigot: LOOKING FORWARD TO PLAYBOY'S GIRLS I GAVE A BLACK EYE TO AND THEN TOOK MONEY FROM

pants: WHICH PIPE IS THE ASS PIPE spigot: I PUSHED THE BUTTON FOR WHAT I THOUGHT WAS A DIRTPIPE MILKSHAKE BUT MAYBE IT NEEDS ANOTHER NESPRESSO CAPSULE pants: MUMMMMMMM WHIRRRRRRRRRR DOWN THE BLOCK AND AROUND THE CORNER AND THEN UP THE RIVER TO LOOK FOR COLONEL KURTZ spigot: WHY DID HE ALWAYS DRESS LIKE A LADY AND NOT WANT TO BE IN THE ARMY ANYMORE pants: HE WAS VERY SENSITIVE

deuce: BONERS FOLKS: COME AND GET 'EM pants: TOO COLD FOR BONERS pants: NO WAIT THERE IT GOES pants: NEVERMIND

.(spigot): GOD / BLESS / *BLAM* .(spigot): BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM AND SOME FOR YOU BITCHES BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM .(spigot): COME AND GET IT BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM CLICK CLICK CLICK (TOSS) BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM

spigot: BUH HUH I CAN BE FUNNY SEE LOOK WITH MY MAGIC pants: MAKE THE TIP OF MY DICK VANISH spigot: SAY GOODBYE TO SPIGOT (FOREVER) pants: COME BACK WITH MY TIP OF DICK

deuce: HELLO THERE deuce: CAN I READ YOUR HOWTO/FAQ pants: WELL HI pants: YES COME CLOSER spigot: HOT COFFEE COMING THROUGH

spigot: COME ON KIDS EVERYONE INTO THE PORN VAN TO MEXICO deuce: HURBLE BURBLE

pants: COME ON TUGGING YOUR SLEEVE pants: A FABULOUS VACATION SPOT INDEED pants: WRITING HOME ABOUT IT pants: COME ON NOW LET'S GET IT ON AND GET IT GOING pants: I LIKE ARRIVING FASHIONABLY LATE BUT THIS IS RIDICULOUS

spigot: DO TRANS PEOPLE JUST NOT CARE THEY'RE FUCKING UP MACHINE LEARNING

pants: BE GAY WITH ME spigot: AND THEY'RE OFF spigot: [LONE RANGER THEME]

pants: COME OUT FROM UNDER THERE AND BE GAY WITH ME spigot: CAN I JUST PLEASE BE GAY FROM HERE TODAY pants: I CAN'T FIT IN THERE WITH YOU AND YOU AND YOU AND YOU (OH ALSO YOU I DIDN'T SEE YOU BACK THERE HI HOW'S IT GOING)

spigot: I'M WEARING FAT PANTS AND CHASING SKIRTS deuce: COME OVER

spigot: SPACE IS NOT JUST EMPTY AIR FOLKS, IT'S A SQUISHY SOAPY SQUIRTY SPURTY FOAM AND YOU CAN SEE IT WHEN YOU COME OVER TO MY HOUSE

deuce: HANDS UP WHO WANTS TO COME OVER TO MY HOUSE AND JERK ME CRAZY

deuce: WE'RE NOT FRIENDS ANYMORE NOW THAT YOU CALLED MY DICK "CRINKLY" pants: I THINK YOU NEED TO COME TO TERMS WITH YOUR CRINKLY DICK deuce: THAT IS JUST SO UNACCEPTABLE I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE DOING IT AGAIN pants: JUST TUCK IT BETWEEN YOUR LEGS deuce: I CAN BUT ONLY WHEN EXTREMELY FLACCID pants: RIGHT, WHEN IT'S HARD THERE'S NO CHANCE THAT'LL HAPPEN pants: EXCEPT WITH A HAMMER deuce: RIGHT pants: OR CHOMPY TEETH deuce: A MATCH MADE IN HEAVEN

spigot: COME TO THINK OF IT I THINK WE COULD ALL USE A NUT RUB pants: ARE YOU RESPONSIBLE FOR THE DOLLOP OF JIZZ IN MY ESPRESSO

spigot: SO I THINK HEINEKEN'S MY FAVORITE SCI-FI AUTHOR WHO'S ALSO A BEER

spigot: 1010101101001010101010 spigot: COME WITH ME ON A TRANCELADELIC EXCURSIONAL ODYSSEY OF ELECTRONICA!!!!!! spigot: BEEP spigot: DOOP spigot: HURRR deuce: I'M MENSTRUATING

spigot: I'M A BAY AREA HOOKER deuce: THOUGHT SO deuce: COME WORK FOR ME spigot: I'M ALL SPURTY (12:37PM) deuce: I CAN CURE YOU OF THAT

spigot: WHY THERE'S THE DEUCE, MAYOR OF SMARTSVILLE deuce: GET OFF ME spigot: HI DEUCE deuce: THIS INSTANT spigot: QUESTION, IF I -- deuce: GRR FOAMY GRRRRR spigot: HOIF OW GOD HOLY PROPS AND PORN pants: GET OUT I SAY spigot: HONKING AND PUSHING pants: THE COMEDY CLOSET IS FULL

spigot: WHAT DID THE DOCTOR SAY TO THE CHERRY PIE spigot: HOW ARE YOU FILLING spigot: WHAT DID THE DOCTOR SAY TO THE CARROT CAKE spigot: YOU'RE DUMB AND ALSO GROSS

spigot: OKAY LADIES AND GERMS COMEDY HOUR spigot: I JUST FLEW IN FROM CHICAGO spigot: BOY IS MY MOUTH TIRED spigot: THANK YOU deuce: I DON'T GET IT pants: I DO pants: I WAS THAT MOUTH

atandt: RUGS NOT DRUGS atandt: CAN YOU PREFIX THINGS WITH [OFFTOPIC] THANKS atandt: LET LOVE OPEN THE DOOR

atandt: COMET atandt: IT MAKES YOU VOMIT atandt: SO HAVE SOME COMET atandt: AND VOMIT atandt: TODAY

pants: HIM AND THE REST OF NORTH AMERICA pants: SHUT UP pants: NO YOU SHUT UP

pants: EXCUSE ME SIRS BUT pants: MY FRIEND IS IN A >>>WHEELCHAIR<<< pants: COMIN' THROUGH

pants: LOL BONEQUEST.SUBSTACK.COM AM SERIOUS WRITER PERSON NOW spigot: STREAM IT ON PEACOCK

pants: NOW LET'S YOU AND ME TALK DICK pants: PRETEND THIS IS THE MYSTERY MOUTH deuce: WHAM WHAM WHAM WHAM WHAM deuce: THE MAGICAL MYSTERY MOUTH pants: IS COMING TO TAKE YOU AWAY

spigot: ***sob*** why can't someone dab on them haters????? spigot: seriously though where are all the hater dabbers spigot: coming up: a complimentary dab from me personally to all the haters out there hating spigot: HURRRNK spigot: i threw my back out

pants: do you want to stand around and look bored while i try and gather enough enthusiasm to masturbate deuce: fuck yes!!!!! pants: we'll be right back after these messages

spigot: BONEQUEST, TUESDAYS AT 10 ON KBHK TV44 CABLE CHANNEL 12 pants: SPIGOT GETS A VISIT FROM AN OLD ARMY BUDDY. DEUCE IS MOLESTED. (TV-14) spigot: WHY IS DR. DON ROSE HONKING THAT LADY'S TITS

spigot: COMPARE AND CONTRAST DICKS AND PRICKS pants: MY MOUTH IS NOT A TEAM PLAYER spigot: HOW AND WHY ARE THEY ALIKE/ DIFFERENT spigot: CITE SPECIFIC EXAMPLES FROM THE STALLS, TOILETS TO SUPPORT YOUR THESIS

spigot: SOME DAYS I CANNOT GET UP OFF THE FLOOR pants: OTHER DAYS I AM NOT ALLOWED TO

pants: B-BUT IF WE STRANGLE HER SLOWLY IT WILL TAKE LONGER !!!

pants: IT'S HOT IN HERE ozone: THEN TAKE YOUR HEAD OUT OF IT

pants: HUHHHH GET THAT THING OUT OF MY ESOPHAGUS spigot: UNCONSCIOUS GAYNESS

spigot: TORN BETWEEN TWO BONERS spigot: SORT OF JUST SMOOSHED spigot: IN BETWEEN THEM spigot: IN THE MIDDLE IS WHAT I'M SAYING spigot: BETWEEN THEM atandt: THAT CAT DOES NOT SOUND RIGHT

pants: ASCII CHILD PORN ???? spigot: THESE PANTS ARE LIKE A CHEAP HOTEL IN THAT THERE'S NO BALL ROOM

pants: WHERE ARE YOU TAKING ME (CUFFED, WATCH YOUR HEAD, VAN SPEEDS AWAY)

spigot: COMPLETE SILENCE spigot: SUDDENLY A DONG RANG OUT

spigot: YOU AND YOUR BIG SCIENCE WORDS ABOUT POO spigot: HONKING pants: AND THE OSCAR GOES TO

pants: DON'T HATE THE WIENER HATE THE GAME (THE WIENER GAME) deuce: THE WIENER GAME IS A PROBLEM, ADMITTEDLY deuce: BUT IT'S NOT LIKE THE WIENER IS COMPLETELY BLAMELESS pants: NOBODY IS REALLY SURE WHAT TO DO ABOUT IT

spigot: FOLKS IS THERE ANYTHING AT ALL AT DISNEYLAND THAT ISN'T COMPLETELY BORING bung: THE BATHROOM OVER BY BEAR COUNTRY JAMBOREE

pants: JUST PLEASE GET UP AGAINST THE WALL WITH THE REST OF pants: YES LIKE THAT pants: GOOD, GOOD pants: OKAY BRB pants: THE PISS METHOD pants: THIS GLASS OF PISS IF HALF EMPTY!!!!!!!!!!!!! pants: GULP GULP GULP deuce: NOW IT'S COMPLETELY EMPTY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

deuce: hey check out my dick pants: that is a completely normal dick deuce: dick type: STANDARD

pants: IT'S COMPLETELY STIMULATING pants: IT REALLY IS

spigot: I ALSO LIKE TO ENVISION A COMPLETELY STUPID AMERICANIZED VERSION, WITH JEAN-CHARLES WEARING A BACKWARDS BASEBALL CAP AND BAGGY PANTS, RAPPING ABOUT BEING FRENCH

spigot: I'M DIZZY AND WANDERING NAKED AND COLD THROUGH A COMPLEX MARKETPLACE spigot: WHERE WAS I spigot: BLAH BLAH POOH AND PIGLET deuce: CAN I MEET MICKEY

spigot: WOULD YOU LIKE TO WATCH ME SQUEEZE MY PHONE THE WRONG WAY AND MAKE EASTER COLORS SWIRL THE SCREEN WITH A.I. READINESS spigot: HOW MANY MICROSOFT C++ LIBS SHOULD I HAVE ON MY MACHINE, TWENTY MILLION? spigot: DO YOU DARE ME TO RACE WINDOWS 10 TO THE END OF MY LIFE

: PANTS SAYS ALOUD: "TIVO, MANASS" : PANTS FROWNS WHEN NOTHING HAPPENS pants: TIVO! MANASS! RIGHT FUCKING NOW deuce: YOU HAVE TO SAY COMPUTER FIRST

spigot: I NEED YOU ALL TO PLEASE GET OFF MY HEAD AND LEGS spigot: WHAT ARE WE ALL DOING STUFFED IN HERE ANYWAY spigot: CLEARLY IN VIOLATION OF FIRE CODES pants: THIS IS THE BEST WIRING CLOSET EVER

spigot: CONCERNED ABOUT MY BLISTER................. AND TOM HANKS' BLISTER?!?!?!?!?!!? deuce: T SPIGOT YOURS WILL NOT MAKE IT TO THE NEWSREELS spigot: DEVELOPMENT DEALS?!?!?!? spigot: BOSOM BLISTERS?!?!?!? LET'S GO AROUND pants: FORK YOU !!!!!!!!!!

deuce: FUCKERS pants: CHOKING YOU pants: WORKING AN ANGLE pants: HOW TO GET TO THE DICK spigot: I'M CONCERNED ABOUT THE MOUSTACHE INJECTION

(spigot): CONCERNED ABOUT AREA 51 deuce: I'M CONCERNED ABOUT MY LACK OF PORNOGRAPHY spigot: C O I N C I D E N C E ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?

pants: DEAR CONCERNED WOMEN OF AMERICA, pants: I HAVE AN AMAZING MOUTH pants: FEEL FREE TO BACKPACK IN, CAMP OUT pants: I PROMISE NOT TO EAT YOU pants: BWAHAHA IDIOT WHORES* CHOMP CHOMP CHEW : * if the phrase "idiot whores" is offensive, please substitute with "stupid bitches"

spigot: CONCERNED ABOUT THE PORN deuce: DON'T WORRY HONEY deuce: EVERYTHING WILL BE ALL RIGHT deuce: JUST STICK YOUR HEAD IN THERE spigot: DARK deuce: BE QUIET spigot: DAMP deuce: SHUT UP deuce: IF YOU DON'T SHUT UP THE PORN WILL NEVER COME

effigy: mmmmm pants: gluh effigy: concur pants: hhhhh effigy: I THINK WE HAVE A QUORUM

effigy: CONCUSSION :: HAS LEFT THE ROOM

pants: I'M THE ONE WHO DID IT pants: I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE FUNNY pants: BUT IT TURNED OUT AWFUL

deuce: CONGRATULATIONS FOR DOING SOMETHING USELESS

pants: YEAH THIS WEEK WE'RE ACTUALLY NOT GONNA RUN YOUR POLITICAL CARTOON WHERE A FAT CAT WITH DOLLAR SIGN EYEBALLS BLOWS CIGAR SMOKE AT A BUNCH OF SHEEP WEARING CLOWN WIGS AND HONKING HORNS AT THE CIRCUS ON A SINKING SHIP spigot: WHAT IF THE SHIP IS NAMED S.S. THE GOVERNMENT

pants: HOW TO COMBINE BONERS AND BOOMERANGS atandt: ANSWER: "ABORIGINE LONGSNAKE" pants: QUESTION: "HOW DID I GET DOWN HERE AND HOW DO I GET OUT" atandt: YOU DID NOT PHRASE THE QUESTION IN THE FORM OF A HAIKU atandt: RING RING CONNECT 1200

pants: ```CONNECTION CLOSED BY FOREIGN HOST``` spigot: ARE YOU SAD THAT I'M MINDLESS BETA GOONBOT WHO NEEDS TO EMPTY MY WALLET spigot: HOW IS IT EVEN POSSIBLE FOR SOMETHING AS COOL AS BEATING OFF TO GET DUMBER AND STUPIDER AND LAMER spigot: EITHER YOU DO OR DO NOT DARE ME TO LAY MY PENIS ATOP MY MACINTOSH

pants: LOBBY pants: You are in a public restroom. The floor and walls are decorated in tasteful tiles. Smells funny in here. There are stalls to the south, west and east. Hint: Type "quests" to show progress in the game. ** NEW QUEST: LEAVE THE PUBLIC BATHROOM ** pants: Connection closed by foreign host.

spigot: THESE PRIMITIVE DIGGING INSTRUMENTS LATER GAVE WAY FOR ONE OF THE BIGGEST BREAKTHROUGHS OF ALL TIME: THE PORN SHOVEL

deuce: BONEQUEST IS NOT FUNNY *AGAIN* spigot: THE ASTERISKS REALLY *LEAP* OUT AND MAKE ME NOT CARE

deuce: WHAT CONSENTING ADULTS DO WITHIN THE PRIVACY OF THEIR OWN HOME IS STILL DISGUSTING

spigot: I CAN'T FIT MY PANTS ON OVER ALL THIS POO spigot: GOD ONLY KNOWS HOW I TOOK SUCH A BIG CRAP ALL OVER MYSELF spigot: CONSERVATION OF MATTER DOESN'T APPLY TO ME

deuce: AHEM PAY ATTENTION TO THE DUCKLING BECAUSE HE WILL BE YOUR LEGAL GUARDIAN FROM NOW ON (FOOTSTEPS, OPEN DOOR, SLAM DOOR, MUCH QUIETER FOOTSTEPS FADING TO SILENCE) pants: HAVE YOU CONSIDERED BALLS deuce: CONSIDERED AND REJECTED: BALLS DO NOT QUACK pants: ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT (WAGGLING EYEBROWS) deuce: HOLY FUCKING SHIT PEOPLE

deuce: CAN I HAVE HEAD AT LEAST spigot: UH

spigot: I'M THE CONSPIRACY DONG spigot: HURTS TO TALK

spigot: CONST COCK spigot: THAT'S SHORT FOR "CONSTANTLY COCK" spigot: I AM FUCKING TALKING TO YOU PEOPLE

.(spigot): DICKS .(pants): DICKS pants: ARE YOU THINKING WHAT I'M THINKING ?!?!?!?!? spigot: I CANNOT SAY spigot: THIS BONGHIT WILL MAKE ME FUNNY!!!!!!!!!!!!!! spigot: THREE spigot: TWO spigot: ONE spigot: WHO PUT A BOOT ON MY NUTS pants: FLAPJACKS AND OTHER MISCELLANEOUS BREAKFAST / BREAKFAST-RELATED FOODS

net: LIFE IS LIKE A BOX OF CHOCOLATES: THERE ARE DICKS CONSTANTLY BATTERING YOUR ASSHOLE deuce: SO TRUE

deuce: CAN I GIVE YOU A LITTLE CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM pants: SURE deuce: SUCK A COCK

spigot: JUST GET ME TO THE BEAT OFF SHIT spigot: CONTENT IS KING spigot: HURRRRRRRR 1998 spigot: OBTASTELESS: I TOOK A SHIT

pants: CONTENT WARNING: THIS REPORT INVOLVES DETAILS THAT MAY BE UPSETTING TO READERS. spigot: JUST GONNA ENJOY A QUICK BALONEY

spigot: CONTINUE READING THIS SALON PREMIUM ARTICLE FOR A THOUSAND DOLLARS >>

hanford: WE ARE AN UPPERCASE CARTOON hanford: THIS IS THE LIFE YOU CHOSE hanford: LOOK DO YOU NEED SOMETHING I HAVE A DRIVER WAITING

.(spigot): JUST GOING TO PICTURE A COLD TOILET SEAT

deuce: I AM CHIEFLY COMPOSED OF ADAMANTIUM atandt: T DEUCE I'M MADE OF BORON deuce: T ATANDT AWESOME THAT MEANS YOU'RE A LIGHT ELEMENT SO I CAN FUCK YOU atandt: T DEUCE SHOW ME YOUR CONTROL ROD :: EXPOSES HIMSELF

pants: DEAR PEPPERIDGE FARM pants: I AM WRITING TO YOU REGARDING YOUR DESSERT BLISS TREAT pants: NAMELY THE COOKIES & CREME FLAVOR pants: I AM NOT ABLE TO DIGEST YOUR FOODSTUFFS pants: AT FACE VALUE THIS WOULD BE WORRYSOME

pants: WELL MAYBE JUST DON’T VISIT WEBSITES THAT USE COOKIES THEN

pants: WHAT IF INSTEAD OF A 3 BODY PROBLEM IT WAS A 900 PENIS PROBLEM AND THEN INSTEAD OF 900 PENISES IT WAS A COOKIES, CAKES AND PIES PROBLEM AND WE HAD OUR OWN NETFLIX SHOW CALLED COOKIES, PIES AND CAKES AND IT WASN'T A PROBLEM AT ALL pants: COOKIES, CAKES AND PIES RENEWED FOR SECOND SEASON, CORBIN BERNSEN TO JOIN CAST AS REGULAR

spigot: ARE YOU IN COOKING SCHOOL SO YOU CAN HELP PEOPLE TAKE MORE EXPENSIVE SHITS

deuce: KILL ME, DRAIN MY BLOOD, CHOP ME UP, BAKE ME FOR WAY TOO LONG, AND BAM YOU'VE GOT DEUCE JERKY

pants: Cut the apple into thin wedges, then cut the wedges into half-inch pieces; place in the garbage can and eat the entire bag of Ghirardelli chocolate squares.

spigot: I HAVE TO OPEN SOMETHING????? spigot: WHERE AM I GOING TO GET HOT spigot: I HAVE TO WHAT??????????

pants: DEAR EMINEM, pants: I HOPE EIGHT MILE IS BETTER THAN CROSSROADS, GLITTER pants: REALLY HOPING WE GET TO SEE MORE OF YOUR MIDDLE FINGER THIS YEAR !!! SO IS KIM SINGLE OR WHAT NOW ??? LOVE PANTS FROM JERKCITY

spigot: K O Y A A N I S Q U I R T S I spigot: how about just tits without the woman bolted on spigot: am i being detained pants: sir please roll down your window

pants: I'LL HAVE ME SOME OF THAT GAY LIME PIE PLEASE spigot: MY FAT WANG IS COOL SITE OF THE DAY spigot: I ASSURE YOU IT IS THE FATTEST COOLEST SITE OF EVERY DAY pants: MY BIG FAT FACE AND YOUR BIG FAT FACE AND OUR BIG FAT FACES

atandt: DONGS pants: WHERE atandt: RIGHT HERE pants: COOL THANKS atandt: NO PROB pants: HLUAGHLUAGHLAUHAHLHLHAG

pants: have you forsaken me (it's okay if you have, i'm cool with that) deuce: no but God sure as fuck has pants: i'm so ashamed and horny

spigot: folks you're cordially invited to a night of black mold and asbestos and dehydration and suffocation

pants: FILE CR* pants: LS pants: LS -LA pants: FAT *.* : PANTS DUMPS CORE

deuce: SOMEONE CORK THAT SAILOR UP pants: MAKE HIM WALK THE JOHN LINE

DEUCE: MY ASS IS LEAKY DEUCE: CORKS ???!?!? PLUGS ?!?!?!?? WINE VATS ?!?!?!? PANTS: ARE YOU A BONITA BANANA