1309, n.

The number of the strip that changed the face of the world.

Aaron Spelling, n.

The guy who forced Beverly Hills 90210 on an unsuspecting world.

accident, adj.

Something that happened not on purpose: "Officer, when I ran him over three times, it was an accident."

amore, n.

Italian for rape.

anal, adj.

The worst way to start your day.

angry, adj.

The character of being a delicate flower.

angst, n.

The quality of being annoying.

anonymous, adj.

Unknown to the Copyright Office, which is an organization really in control of the United States Supreme Court, which in turn is in control of the National Football League.

antimatter, n.

A form of matter which, when it comes into contact with normal matter, causes choking and crying.

armpit, n.

A cock cozy.

ARRRRRR, interj.

The sound a pirate makes.

Babylon 5, n.

A science fiction television series which has drawn a fairly substantial following but which nobody else has ever seen.

behead, v.t.

To strip one of oral sex privileges at a brothel.

big stall, n.

The largest stall in the bathroom, usually where the most powerful toilets are located. See stall, toilet.

BLUHHHHH, interj.

An unspecified sound usually indicating disbelief or perhaps malfunctioning frontal lobes.

boner, n.

The man responsible for cleaning up bones in a bone yard.

bonghit, n.

A form of pipe wrench, most particularly helpful with repairing head gaskets.

breasts, n.pl.

The only things that allow men to tolerate women.

BRRRRRR, interj.

The sound made when drilling for oil.

carpet, n.

A device designed for collecting spilt bong water, coffee stains, and DNA evidence.

cast, v.i.

In computer science, to convert an object of one type to another type, usually without respect for proper conversions; an unsafe conversion: "I would appreciate it if you would not cast my square peg into that round hole."

chomp, n.

Eskimo for removing the trailing newline in a string.

Christmas, n.

The approximate birthday of Jesus Christ, where all good Christian dutifully practice pagan rituals of giving each other presents and talking about fat men breaking and entering houses through chimneys.

Christmas Tree Monster, n.

Vast herds of these luminous vegetables roam freely amid the glacial valleys of the south. Residents fear the autumn migrations, in which the trees cheerfully trample everything in their path.

cunt, n.

Not the ass.

curly fries, n.pl.

An invention of Western civilization even more influential than the stapler.

Dick Wolf, v.t.

A certain perverse sexual act, the details of which cannot be mentioned here: "We sure Dick Wolfed him."

different, adj.

That which must be destroyed.

dipshit, n.

Anyone under the age of 25.

dis, v.t.

Short for disrespect: "I do not appreciate you dissing my ability to bust rhymes."

dojo, n.

The Japanese equivalent of a gay bar.

dope, n.

A substance that when crushed under enormous pressures and temperatures creates diamond.

Europe, n.

A civilized, advanced part of the world where genocidal wars of "ethnic cleansing" take place every three or four years.

Esperanto, n.

A fake language which nobody speaks. One of the strips (#435, "Socian Komentaron") was translated into Esperanto for laughs. Most crucial to this process was the choice of the proper translation of the word spurt.

fag trap, n.

A question or situation set up in order to oust homosexuals. For instance, if one were to ask, "Do you want to suck my dick?" and someone responded affirmatively, a fag trap would have been successfully sprung.

FAQ, n.

Acronym for "frequently asked questions"; a list of answers to frequently asked questions that can be presented to a community (be it a forum, Usenet newsgroup, or software user base) so that the same questions need not be asked over and over again. In the entire history of their use, not one has ever been used for its intended purpose.

fat, adj.

Being a citizen of the United States of America.

filk, v.i.

To engage in rampant and offensive copyright infringement.

fisticuffs, n.

The act of inserting one's fist into someone else's bodily orifice, typically the mouth or anus.

fuck, n.

The queen mother of all swear words, greater even in degree than darn.

fucktoy, n.

A device or substance used in conjunction with a sexual act: "This toothbrush sure makes a good fucktoy."

GAKKKK, interj.

The sound associated with being choked. Let's face it, it was probably well-deserved.

goddammit or goddamnit, interj.

A general expression of frustration. The proper spelling (with an m or an n) has been a subject of debate for thousands of years; the first three Crusades were fought over this issue.

groin, n.

The part of the body located between one's head and feet.

Gulf War Syndrome, n.

A syndrome, exhibited by veterans of the 1991 Gulf War, with symptoms of lassitude, lollygagging, and general whining. Epidemiologists have failed to find any connection between the syndrome and any actual cause, so in 1998 all of the sufferers were lined up against a wall and shot, in compliance with the Uniform Code of Military Justice.

hand, n.

The implement used for masturbation.

Hey Jude, n.

A popular Rolling Stones song.

Hitler, n.

A crazy guy who almost conquered the world except for that only-one-testicle thing.

homophone, n.

A word that sounds the same as another word, even though it spelled differently.

homophobe, n.

One who is frightened of homophones.

HOMPH, interj.

The sound associated with stuffing one's face with food or other mouth-appropriate substances.

hooker, n.

See whore.

HUGLAGHALGHALGHAL, interj.

An all-purpose sound, denoting the act of performing oral sex, the act of receiving oral sex, taking drugs, writing your Congressman, misdialing your party and getting that annoying series of tones, or sitting perfectly still and making no noise whatsoever.

HUHHHHHH, interj.

The sound one makes as if air is being forced out of one's lungs.

HURRRRRR, interj.

An unspecified sound, but probably not a good one.

irrational, adj.

Originally a quantity which cannot be expressed as the ratio of two integers. This so incensed the ancient Pythagoreans that they expanded the meaning of the word to include things that defied common sense. Thanks to the Ancient Greeks, its use in Jerkcity was practically assured.

jugs, n.pl.

A less offensive form of the term melons.

Kosovo, n.

A place in Eastern Europe. See Europe.

Law & Order, n.

A very popular television series (with three spin-offs to date).

lesbian, n.

A woman who hasn't come around yet.

lowercase, v.

To type something in lowercase. Essentially all of Jerkcity conversations take place in all uppercase. Typing in lowercase, or "lowercasing," is considered to be effeminate and inappropriate.

melons, n.pl.

A less offensive form of the term breasts.

muffin, n.

A form of food which is the staple of the Western diet.

newsgroup, n.

A form on Usenet, where people can post messages back and forth to each other. Newsgroup posts consists solely of people disagreeing with each other, arguing about what is appropriate for discussion in that particular forum, or hardcore pornography which is no less than five years old.

Occam's razor, n.

A principle in scientific thought that if two hypotheses equally fit the observed facts, the simpler one is probably the correct one: "Since dogs cannot talk, Occam's razor leads me to conclude that you must be a cat."

override, v.t.

To take control over or replace: "I am overriding your ability to speak with this implement."

Pac-Man, n.

A video game in which the player ran around in a maze, eating pills and being chased by ghosts. Many scholars argue that this game was largely responsible for the shift in world thinking in the 1980s concerning the viability of Communism, and thus is more or less directly responsible for the end of the Cold War; those scholars are, however, wrong.

Perl, n.

A language spoken by Eskimos.

pisscam, n.

A Web cam which is focused on a cup or other container holding some quantity of urine. Pisscams were a part of a (thankfully) short-lived phenomenon that lasted only through the last few months of 1998.

poo loop, n.

The vernacular for a closed timelike curve, a path through spacetime that loops back on itself. Current theory is that closed timelike curves cannot form due to destructive virtual particle interference, but poo loops manage to still frighten and dismay tribal cultures.

pregnant, adj.

Female.

prickalino, n.

A spin-1 weak vector boson, responsible for poking and prodding.

prostitute, n.

See hooker.

Quaker, n.

One who plays Quake.

Quisp, n.

A breakfast cereal renowned the world over for its quispiness.

radium, n.

A radioactive element codiscovered by Marie Curie and Deuce, her husband at the time. The resulting squabble over who deserved the lion's share of the credit lead to a messy and costly divorce.

RRRRRRR, interj.

A sound expressing anger, sexual excitement, or pretty much anything under the sun.

Sista, n.

A series of female-only pornographic videos featuring black women. Siskel gave the whole series thumbs up, but Ebert was too dehydrated to comment. Roeper, Siskel's eventual replacement, seemed strangely disinterested.

Saturday, n.

The day of the Sabbath, where all good people should pay homage to Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior.

Schroedinger's cat, n.

A thought experiment illustrating one of the central tenets of quantum mechanical theory, namely that it is boring and nobody really understands it.

science, n.

A process by which we find out about the world.

scientific, adj.

Something which lends itself to study by science: "You poking me there to find out what I'm made of is wholly unscientific."

sequester, v.t.

To rape repeatedly.

spurt, n.

Whale vomit, which is prized for its value in the perfume industry.

squeak, n.

The sound that should be emitted by a properly functioning penis when struck by a hammer.

subjunctive, n.

A form of sentence structure in English that is used to indicate statements that are known to be contrary to fact, wishes, or the like: "If I were rich, I could pay to have you killed. Instead, I will have to do it myself."

stall, n.

A location in bathrooms where toilets can be found. See toilet.

stoned, adj.

The state of having rocks thrown at you for doing something bad.

tantamount, n.

A completely made-up word.

T, punct.

When followed by a name, a form of direct address. The syntax comes from an archaic chat system running on APL machines; the T syntax was short for TELL. The use is perpetuated to this day as an inside joke.

Texas, n.

A place where it is not wise to commit a capital offense.

toilet, n.

A magical portal which leads, through a series of pipes, to the inside of the hollow Earth which is inhabited by leprechauns. They are considered sacred by many religions and are guarded very carefully by the military of all nations.

tolerance, n.

What'd you call me?

Tori Spelling, n.

A particularly clever bovine who once made a wish upon a star and became a real, live human being.

truculent, adj.

To be behave like a woman.

virtual, adj.

Not real, or something which would not happen in real life: "You are virtually worth having sex with."

whore, n.

See prostitute.

2003