spigot: CAN I JUST SAY ONE THING spigot: I SURE LIKE SUCKING DICK deuce: WORD spigot: THANKS deuce: ZZZZZZZ spigot: JUST HAD TO COME BACK AND SAY PLEASE KEEP WHAT I SAID BEFORE CONFIDENTIAL deuce: ZZZZ deuce: ZZZZZZZZZ deuce: ZZZZZ spigot: NOT FROM THE FAGS THOUGH

deuce: HRU BB deuce: CUCKOLD MY WIFE INSEMINATED BY 2 BLACK MEN 8.AVI deuce: FOLKS ONE THING AT A TIME HERE

deuce: SUBJECT: $1000/WK DONATING SPERM deuce: I HAVE FOUND MY DREAM CAREER pants: DUDE THEY WANT MALE SPERM deuce: FUCK

pants: SOMETHING SPECIAL FOR JERKCITY 1000

deuce: I THINK I HAVE ONE TOO MANY XTERMS OPEN deuce: BETTER JERK spigot: REBOOTING WITHOUT EXTENSIONS

spigot: SO FREAKISHLY FAT I PASS OUT AFTER ONLY 1 TWIX BAR spigot: OF A POSSIBLE 2

pants: chirp pants: chirp pants: cocks

spigot: WHO CARES ONE WAY OR ANOTHER IF THE GOVERNMENT SHOT MARTIN LUTHER KING spigot: THE POINT IS I'M HUNGRY

deuce: FAT (AND FAT) spigot: YOU MIGHT THINK ONE WOULD EXCLUDE THE OTHER BUT NO

spigot: OW OW OKAY ONE WRONG WAY TO EAT A REESE'S deuce: I SURE KNOW WHAT YOU'D DO FOR A KLONDIKE BAR

deuce: SHOUT IT OUT / SHOUT IT OUT / YAY COCK deuce: MY BALLS ARE ONE-POINT SAFE

spigot: T PANTS YOU TOLD ME YOU BOUGHT ONE-BUNS BUT THEY'RE ACTUALLY OROWHEAT SANDWICH THINS

deuce: WHY HAVEN'T ALL OF YOU HANGED YOURSELVES (AS PREVIOUSLY INSTRUCTED)

pants: JFK JR'S PLANE IS LATE!!!! deuce: SO ANYONE WANT TO GET A NET AND FISH JFK, JR.'S BODY OUT OF THE WATER?!?!? pants: ARRRRG THIS BE MARTHA'S BONEYARD spigot: IS JFK RELATED TO THE KFC COLONEL deuce: COVERED WITH PLANE FUEL AND PARTS OF HIS WIFE pants: MAYBE THEY'LL NAME AN UNDERWATER AIRPORT AFTER HIM???? spigot: I SURE HOPE HE'S FINGER-LICKIN' SAFE!!!!! spigot: JOHN F. KENNEDY JR. FOUND ALIVE, WEARY spigot: YAY !!!!! deuce: YAY !!!!! pants: YAY !!!!! spigot: JOHN F. KENNEDY JR. ASSASSINATED!!!!!!

pants: STEP ONE: TAKE SOCK OFF pants: STEP TWO: JERK IT INTO SOCK pants: STEP THREE: REPLACE SOCK

dick: T DEUCE PLEASE ENTER YOUR ACCOUNT NUMBER FOLLOWED BY THE POUND SIGN deuce: GLHAGHLAGLHAG deuce: THIS IS AN ONLINE INTERNET SAVVY E-TRANSACTION !!! dick: T DEUCE POUND MORE PLZ

pants: PLEASE DO THE NEEDFUL deuce: SAY PRETTY PLEASE pants: I SAID PLEASE deuce: WITH SUGAR ON TOP pants: TOO FAR deuce: AND A SLICE OF *_AIDS_* deuce: A SLAB OF *_AIDS_* deuce: A DOLLOP OF DICK pants: I LIKE WHERE THIS IS GOING (THE THEMES AT PLAY) deuce: SLICE, SLAB, DOLLOP deuce: IT'S A CLEAR PROGRESSION AND THE RESULT IS [UNINTELLIGIBLE]

pants: IT'S ONLY AFTER YOU'VE LOST EVERYTHING THAT YOU'RE FREE TO pants: UH pants: YOU pants: KNOW pants: BE pants: GAY pants: AND pants: STUFF

spigot: you're only allowed to call it sucking cock if it's happening in the cocksucking region of france

pants: ONLY GOD CAN JUDGE ME pants: (FOR JERKING OFF IN THE LADIES ROOM) spigot: MY ADULT BOOKSTORE DOESN'T OPEN UNTIL 11 pants: MINE IS OPEN 24H BUT I'M BANNED pants: (FOR JERKING OFF IN THE LADIES ROOM) spigot: CAN YOU APPEAL YOUR BAN (JERKING OFF AT THE REGISTER) pants: I ASKED TO JERK OFF ONTO THE MANAGER

pants: T DEUCE I'M ONLY GOING TO ASK YOU ONE MORE TIME: pants: T DEUCE ARE YOU THE AUTOEXEC.BAT OR THE CONFIG.SYS deuce: T PANTS ANSI.SYS pants: T DEUCE SAY IT ISN'T SO

spigot: :SMALL_RED_TRIANGLE::SMALL_RED_TRIANGLE::SMALL_RED_TRIANGLE::SMALL_RED_TRIANGLE_DOWN: OW OW OW spigot: ONLY GOT 3.6 TOBLERONE UP THERE spigot: NOT GREAT, NOT TERRIBLE

deuce: THERE IS ONLY ONE ALTERNATIVE FOR ME deuce: WALKING THE GAY PLANK deuce: SPLOOSH

pants: THERE'S ONLY ONE CRAIGSLIST GIRL AND SHE'S VERY VERY TIRED

deuce: my cat barfed in my shoe pants: in or on deuce: in deuce: and around pants: well i guess i can beat off to that, i'm not sure deuce: only one way to find out!!! deuce: (slaughter half the native population) pants: SMALLPOX THE BLANKETS

harriet: FOLKS I'M REALLY TRYING HARD TO ESCAPE MY ESTRANGED HUSBAND'S STALKING AND PHONECALLING... harriet: ...AND THROAT-PUNCHING harriet: WELL I RAN INTO A DOOR AGAIN!!!!! harriet: THEN I FELL DOWN THE STAIRS AND BANGED MY EYE AGAINST THE FIST-SHAPED TILE harriet: THEN WHILE DROPPING OFF MY TWO TODDLERS AT DAYCARE... harriet: I MYSELF WAS DROPPED OFF A THIRD FLOOR HOTEL BALCONY!!!!! harriet: THAT'LL LEARN ME I GUESS harriet: OH SHIT I FORGOT GROCERIES

spigot: COULD WE BE ANY OLDER, FATTER, BLINDER, LESS COORDINATED, INVISIBLE TO SOCIETY

pants: CAN I JOIN YOUR CLUB (THE BIG WANG GANG) deuce: ONLY TINY PRICKS HERE, SORRY pants: DARN, SAME

spigot: ONLY TWO WORDS CAN TEAR ME AWAY FROM JERKCITY: spigot: BO spigot: NER pants: INDEED, OUR PERFORMANCE IS FULL OF WARMTH AND HUMOR

spigot: I LIKE TO MAKE A PAPER CHAIN AND TEAR OFF A LINK WITH EACH DAY I DON'T JERK OFF OR EVEN THINK ABOUT DICK AND ONLY WHEN THE CHAIN IS GONE DO I SUCK DICK spigot: LET'S SEE WHO'S BEEN FUCKING WITH THE ESPRESSO GRINDER TODAY

deuce: [REDACTED] deuce: [REDACTED] OODLES OF NOODLY COCK [REDACTED] deuce: [REDACTED]

spigot: SEKA AND SULKA ARE NOT THE SAME PEOPLE deuce: MYSELF, I'M CONFUSED REGARDING THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN EBONY AYES AND PURPLE PASSION spigot: I BELIEVE THEY'RE BOTH SUBCLASSED FROM VANESSA DEL RIO deuce: OBJECT-ORIENTED PORN

spigot: SEKA AND SULKA ARE NOT THE SAME PEOPLE deuce: MYSELF, I'M CONFUSED REGARDING THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN EBONY AYES AND PURPLE PASSION spigot: I BELIEVE THEY'RE BOTH SUBCLASSED FROM VANESSA DEL RIO deuce: OBJECT-ORIENTED PORN

deuce: GREAT pants: AYUH spigot: PAGES AND PAGES AND PAGES AND PAGES AND AND PAGES PAGES OF EMOJIS FOR GENDER AND SEXUAL ORIENTATION OOPS TAPPED ONE (COLOR PALETTE TAKES 5 MINS TO LOAD)

spigot: first I'll flounce my wrists up and down above my head to "clap back" like a tired old queen spigot: then i'll blabbermouth my cheeks open and shut like a pac-man

spigot: YOU HAVE 19 OUTSTANDING TASKS THAT HAVE ALL BEEN OPEN FOR 3 DAYS AND THEY'RE ALL ABOUT HEAD

spigot: THREE IN THE MORNING spigot: LOOKING FOR DICK IN THE NORTH BAY spigot: I CAN'T KEEP MY FUCKING MOUTH OPEN FOREVER PEOPLE

spigot: OPEN THE DOOR FOR YOUR MYSTERY DATE!!!!!! deuce: UH OH spigot: KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK I SEE THE SHADOW OF YOU EXAMINING ME THROUGH THE PEEPHOLE deuce: NOOOOOOOOOOOO

spigot: ? **BRAN** FRAN / CISCO spigot: LOUD SPLUTTERY SHIT spigot: ?? **KLAN** FRAN / CISCO spigot: LONG FLUTTERY ROBES

spigot: OPENING THE SKYLIGHT AND BACKING UP THE TRUCK OF WET CEMENT spigot: BLUP BLOP GLUPTH PLUPTH

spigot: OPENING UP MY FILEMAKER PRO BUG DATABASE !!!!!!!!!!!!! spigot: ENTERING MY FIRST BUG IN FOUR YEARS !!!!!!! spigot: SUMMARY: CAN'T BREATHE OR SIT DOWN

pants: OPERATION DINNER OUT IS A GO deuce: COPY THAT, FATTY ACTUAL

pants: gimme some of that operation locker pants: i wanna throw grenades through a hole for 40 minutes

spigot: LET'S GO BACK IN TIME AND DROWN KEVIN SMITH AND THEN FAST FORWARD IN TIME TO LIVE IN A BETTER PLACE

pants: T SPIGOT WHEN DOES OPERATION "DROWN ALL REDDITORS" GO INTO EFFECT (FULL EFFECT) spigot: I CAN START ABSOLUTELY WHENEVER FOR FREE RIGHT NOW

deuce: OPERATION NOBLE ANVIL ?!!?! FUCKING HOMOS ARE IN CHARGE OF THE MILITARY deuce: BESIDES SHOULDN'T WE BE THE HAMMER ?!??!!? YOU UNEDUCATED MILITARY IDIOTS spigot: I THINK THEY MEAN THEY ARE DROPPING AN ANVIL LIKE IN THE CARTOONS spigot: YOU BUNCHED-UP COCKSUCKER : Originally published February 29, 1999

atandt: FAT+GAY/AIDS spigot: T ATANDT PLEASE PUT PARENTHESIS AROUND (FAT+GAY) SO WE KNOW TO ADD THOSE FIRST BEFORE DIVIDING BY AIDS deuce: OPERATOR PRECEDENCE HAS NEVER BEEN SO PAINFUL

spigot: HI I'M SPIGOT AND THIS IS MY STUDIO APARTMENT ON VALLEY GREEN DRIVE WHERE I LIVE WITH FIVE OTHER NET-SAVVY MULTIMEDIA PROFESSIONALS

spigot: CAN I OPT-OUT OF THE MANDATORY HIV TEST

spigot: STARE AT THE DOT IN THE CENTER OF THIS OPTICAL ILLUSION FOR 45 MINUTES AND EVENTUALLY THERE'S A 15 SECOND AD

pants: OPTIMIZING SHADERS pants: WHICH ONE ARE YOU AGAIN spigot: TO SLEEP IN HEAVENLY PISS spigot: PERCHANCE TO JERK pants: I EAT MY OWN SHIT AND I VOTE

spigot: :LION: spigot: :TIGER: spigot: :BEAR: spigot: :MOUSE: spigot: :FOX: spigot: :DOG: spigot: :UNICORN: spigot: :COW: spigot: WE SHOULD BE ABLE TO LONG-PRESS EMOJIS TO SELECT THE RACE OF THE ANIMAL

spigot: DO I SERIOUSLY NEED A REAL ID TO SUCK DICK

inebriated crustacean: AH, DRUNK BEFORE NOON AGAIN inebriated crustacean: FUN FOR ME inebriated crustacean: LESS ENTERTAINING FOR THE VIEWING AUDIENCE hanford: SO, UH, DID YOU FALL DOWN OR ARE YOU JUST RESTING

deuce: I CALL THEM FREEDOM FRIES pants: LIBERTY CABBAGE deuce: FRIENDSHIP SAUCE deuce: YOU KNOW THAT CAN'T BE GOOD

pants: I WOULD LIKE YOU TO MASTURBATE ME OR DIE TRYING pants: TO MASTURBATE ME deuce: THIS IS EXACTLY WHY WE ROUND UP YOU PEOPLE AND PUT THEM INTO RODEOS

pants: JACK ME OFF pants: OR DON'T pants: BUT PLEASE DO

pants: I EAT HUMANS deuce: I JUST EAT THE HEADS

spigot: I'VE LEARNED THE VALUE OF SIMPLY BEING MYSELF pants: SUHHHHHHHH spigot: CAN I COME BACK TO THE GAY CLUB OR HAVE I BEEN EXCLUDED pants: NO YOU'RE ON THE LIST spigot: BUH HUH I CAN BE FUNNY SEE LOOK WITH MY MAGIC pants: MAKE THE TIP OF MY DICK VANISH

spigot: IMAGINE YOU CAN PUT ONLY ONE DICK OR THE OTHER DICK OR BOTH DICKS IN YOUR MOUTH - OR HOWEVER MANY DICKS THERE ARE spigot: THAT'S NET NEUTRALITY

deuce: THE LITTLE MERMAID 2 pants: ARE YOU GOING TO HELP ME POOP OR NOT pants: DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOUR CUNTING DAUGHTER DID

spigot: LUCK BE A LADY TONIGHT!!!!!!!! deuce: AT LEAST SUCK ME OR SOMETHING

spigot: THE EIGHTIES WAS DEFINITELY THE BEST DECADE FOR PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING deuce: EARLY OR LATE OR WHAT

pants: WHO WILL HEAR MY ORAL ARGUMENTS spigot: WHY WOULDN'T I BE ABLE TO FEEL MY OWN FACE pants: :SHELL: I CAN HEAR GAY FISH IN THE OCEAN

deuce: THIS MEXICAN COOKING YOUTUBE LADY SURE USES A LOT OF SALT pants: HOW'S SHE DOIN' deuce: SHE DYED HER HAIR BLACK FOR SOME REASON BUT LET THE GREY GROW BACK IN AGAIN deuce: I SOMETIMES WORRY SHE'S GOING TO CUT HERSELF BUT SHE NEVER DOES deuce: I MEAN I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT pants: (DEEP VOICE) ORAL-B

pants: HUGE ORC DICKS pants: THE JERKCITY GROUP ON FACEBOOK ISN'T NEARLY BIG ENOUGH pants: FFFFFFFUUUUUUUUU

spigot: TAKE ALL THESE SHITS AND PUT THEM IN THOSE BAGS spigot: NOW TAKE THESE BAGS OF SHIT AND PUT THEM IN THOSE SHIT BAGS spigot: NOW BAG UP THE SHIT BAGS WITH THE BAGS OF SHIT AND TAKE A SHIT ON ALL THE BAGS

deuce: SO DO I SHOOT MYSELF NOW OR SHOOT BOTH OF YOU AND THEN SHOOT MYSELF pants: CHRIST I DON'T KNOW pants: PICK ONE

pants: RATTLE MY CAGE pants: GIVE UP THE GHOST pants: BURY ME OUT BACK pants: DO AS THE ORDER OF OPERATIONS DICTATES: pants: MULTIPLICATION, DIVISION, FIRST TIME ANAL, SUBTRACTION

spigot: HERE I HAVE AN ORDINARY DECK OF CARDS spigot: WAIT spigot: HERE I HAVE A TOTALLY ORDI spigot: HANG ON spigot: OKAY FUCK THAT ONE spigot: HERE I HAVE A BUNCH OF UNLINKED RINGS spigot: NO THESE ARE UNLICKED DICKS spigot: SHOUTCAST!!!!!!!!!

spigot: WHY DO PEOPLE THING THERE EVEN ********WAS******** AN OREGON TRAIL???????? D - O - P - E spigot: THINK spigot: LORD GOD WE ARE ALL CRIPPLED

spigot: yes please more origami furniture that magically unfolds into sharp wooden shapes that pinch my dick off

pants: HISTORIC BONERS pants: HUNGRY FOR LEARNING ABOUT THE WORLD I LIVE IN pants: THIS JUST IN: TOILETS uncredited caveman: [REDACTED] {{ORIGINAL RESEARCH}} [REDACTED] {{CITATION STYLE}}

pants: FEED ME HOSTESS PRODUCTS pants: AND/OR LITTLE DEBBIE deuce: INSTALLING NT SERVICE PACK 3 (SO I CAN PLAY QUAKE II FULLSCREEN) spigot: HOMPH HOMPH LEMON HOMPH HOMPH COULD BE APPLE HOMPH HOMPH COCONUT

pants: I AM ORPHEUS, SON OF MORPHEUS pants: HEAR MY SONG pants: GLHAGLAHG HGLAHGLIAHGLAHLGA DICKS HUALGHULAG

pants: CHOKE ME RIGHT UP UNTIL I’M ABOUT TO JIZZ THEN PUNCH ME IN THE FACE pants: I’M NOT A COMPLICATED MAN deuce: OSCAR MIKE

pants: I'M BEGINNING TO SEE A POINT OF LIGHT ON THE HORIZON pants: IT'S UH GETTING LARGER pants: I'M GETTING SOME PRETTY GOOD OSCELLATIONS pants: IT'S COMING QUICKER NOW IT'S REALLY GOING pants: ANY SECOND NOW pants: HERE WE GO spigot: WHAT ABOUT THE 2024 FARTLYMPICS effigy: GODDAMMIT, I SCRATCHED MY GLASSES

pants: WE NEED TO EXPEL HOURLY pants: OTHERWISE... pants: RAPE deuce: GOD BLESS AMERICA

spigot: HERE'S A LINK TO OTHER DUMPY FAT GIRLS!!!!!!!

atandt > XMODEM atandt > V.32 atandt > POTTY atandt > HUHHHHH

ozone: I CAN'T SEE bung: GOD HELP US net: TURN ON THE LIGHTS ozone: WHICH ONE ARE YOU net: NOW I CAN'T SEE (TURN THEM BACK OFF) atandt: WILD EEP ozone: MOUSTACHE POWER net: AND THE CLAMPING CONTINUES dick: GAY CODE FOR SOMETHING OR OTHER

pants: WE DEMAND HOSTAGES pants: WE WILL TRADE AIRPORT ACCESS, FUEL AND A GETAWAY CAR pants: A REALLY COOL GETAWAY CAR

pants: OH CRAP pants: THIS HAPPENED AT LEAST ONCE BEFORE I'M SURE OF IT pants: OH WELL HALGHLUAHGLUHALGHLHALG SLOBBER DUH MOO HLAULULAHGLHALHLAHLUG

deuce: T SPIGOT WOULD YOU LIKE TO COME OVER AND LISTEN TO K.D. LANG AND ME'SHELL NDEGE'OCELLO AND INDIGO GIRLS AND GET IN TOUCH WITH OUR FEMININE DYKEY SELVES spigot: T DEUCE [DIAL TONE]

pants: t deuce when are we going to record season two of our linux devops podcast "game of chowns" deuce: right after we receive the signal SIGFUCK pants: "chapter one: how system administration is like dungeons and dragons" deuce: more tri-tip plz

spigot: MY ASS AND NUTS spigot: OUR MOST VALUABLE RESOURCE spigot: DISAPPOINTED BY THE RICH MILK CHOCOLATE BUT DELIGHTED BY THE NOUGAT spigot: WAIT A MI spigot: MUH

deuce: I really wish you would take Twitter more seriously pants: i am sorry deuce: it's vitally important to our national discourse and (fart sounds for 20 minutes)

spigot: SHOULD WE GO AROUND THE ROOM OPENING UP ABOUT OUR PAST EXPERIENCES WITH ABUSE????? spigot: I'LL START: I THINK ALL FLAVORS OF PRINGLES ARE GOOD deuce: ROGER THOSE DROPS

pants: LET'S BUMP OUR SONY CYBER-SHOTS INTO EACH OTHER LIKE THEY'RE KISSING OR HUMPING

deuce: FINALLY SPIGOT'S GONE SO WE CAN REVERT TO OUR TRUE NATURE: deuce: CONTAMINATED PUDDLES OF SUPERFLUID LIQUID HELIUM

pants: I DON'T KNOW WHAT THIS THING IS OR WHY SECURITY HASN'T TOLD US TO STOP HANGING OUT YET pants: THIS IS THE GREATEST PLACE EVER: LOVELY ACOUSTICS AND THE RANGERS GENERALLY DON'T HAVE THE BUDGET TO ENFORCE THE NO LOITERING LAWS pants: AND FINALLY TO SOME LOT SOMEWHERE CONCLUDING OUR VERY GAY TOUR PLEASE EXIT THROUGH THE GIFT SHOP YOU FAT STUPID COCKSUKCERS

deuce: I'M TRYING TO SUCK OFF THIS OUROBOROS BUT THERE'S NO PLACETO START ?!?!?!?!?!?! pants: CHOP OFF THEMIDDLE I GUESS

spigot: PRINTING, ROLLING INTO TUBE spigot: PAUSING FOR DRAMATIC EFFECT spigot: THROWING PAPER TUBE AWAY AND TAKING DEUCE OUT FOR ICE CREAM

pants: I MADE YOU OUT OF CLAY

spigot: GIDDYUP GIDDYUP GIDDYUP THIS WAY spigot: MY BONER IS GAY deuce: HIDING

deuce: UNNNNNNN NNNNNGH DRIPPING OUT OF EVERY HOLE UUUUUUU UUUUUUH BUUUUUUH deuce: AND TO WRAP EVERYTHING UP: deuce: UBUBUBUBUB UBUBUBUBUB

spigot: ]BREAK IN 10 spigot: ]LIST spigot: ]10 PRINT "=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=" spigot: ?OUT OF MEMORY

pants: OH MAN WHY OH WHY DID I LICK THAT LAST DICK pants: WHOEVER TOLD ME THEY WERE GOING OUT OF STYLE, LIED

spigot: MY FAT HAND SQUEEZING YOUR NECK AND THROWING YOU OUT OF THE WAY