deuce: FIVE TWINKS, PLEASE pants: CAN A TWINK BE DEMOTED IF THEY ARE TOO OLD OR THEY BREAK TWINK LAWS deuce: THERE IS A COMPLICATED SYSTEM OF DEMERITS AND TRACKING pants: WHAT HAPPENS WHEN TWINKS AGE OUT deuce: THEY TURN INTO A COCCOON AND TRANSFORM THEMSELVES BACK TO A TWINK pants: THAT IS GOD'S WORK ON DISPLAY RIGHT THERE deuce: I SLEPT LIKE ABSOLUTE SHIT SO TIME TO BEAT OFF

spigot: SOMETIMES IT'S NICE TO JUST LICK DICK WITHOUT BEING SEXUALIZED

spigot: AS LONG AS THERE'S A PIZZA IN MY TUMMY AND A GUN IN MY MOUTH

pants: WHAT THAT MAN DID IS UNFORGIVABLE spigot: I MEAN THIS IN THE NICEST POSSIBLE WAY, CAN YOU SUCK MY DICK QUIETER pants: DO YOU STILL WANT ME TO HUM THE NATIONAL ANTHEM spigot: AND NOW YOU'RE KINDA TALKIN' OVER FRASIER

deuce: MY BONER HAS DIED deuce: GOING TO NEED A VICTIM IMPACT STATEMENT FROM EACH OF YOU

spigot: IS ANYONE GOING TO TELL FLORIDA THERE'S MORE THAN JUST PORN HUB spigot: THERE'S ALSO PORN HUB GAY

effigy: ...UPDATING MY GRINDR PROFILE, SHOULD I PUT "SHITTING" AS MY NUMBER ONE HOBBY, OR KEEP IT AT NUMBER TWO..? spigot: AT LEAST SAY YOU RATED POOS FOR ROTTEN.COM

pants: I'M 10,000 YEARS OLD AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT LDAP IS deuce: I DO NOT KNOW THE DETAILS BUT I KNOW VAGUELY WHAT IT IS pants: IT FILLS MY CHEST WITH DREAD pants: AND ALIEN EGGS deuce: AUTHENTICATE YOUR MAN BOOBS pants: DENIED

spigot: MGM JUST OPTIONED MY UNTITLED DICKLICKING COMEDY spigot: HOBBY TRAINS DON'T SEEM SO "STUPID" NOW DO THEY

spigot: :LION: spigot: :TIGER: spigot: :BEAR: spigot: :MOUSE: spigot: :FOX: spigot: :DOG: spigot: :UNICORN: spigot: :COW: spigot: WE SHOULD BE ABLE TO LONG-PRESS EMOJIS TO SELECT THE RACE OF THE ANIMAL

spigot: I'M DETECTIVE SHERLOCK HOLMES PUFFING A PIPE IN A FOGGY, RAIN-SOAKED CITYSCAPE spigot: NOW I'M A DUSTY FRONTIER COWBOY IN THE WILD WEST DESTINED FOR A SHOOTOUT AT HIGH NOON spigot: SURPRISE: I'M A KNIGHT ON A QUEST TO SLAY DRAGONS WITH MINIMAL COMPLEXITY spigot: THANKS FOR A HOLODECK WITH EXACTLY THREE SETTINGS

spigot: SHOULD I SIT ON A BEESWAX CANDLE OR AN HEIRLOOM TOMATO ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?

pants: YEAH THIS WEEK WE'RE ACTUALLY NOT GONNA RUN YOUR POLITICAL CARTOON WHERE A FAT CAT WITH DOLLAR SIGN EYEBALLS BLOWS CIGAR SMOKE AT A BUNCH OF SHEEP WEARING CLOWN WIGS AND HONKING HORNS AT THE CIRCUS ON A SINKING SHIP spigot: WHAT IF THE SHIP IS NAMED S.S. THE GOVERNMENT

pants: BURGERS COOKED IN PISS

spigot: AS OF TODAY I'VE WATCHED THE SUPERMAN TRAILER ZERO TIMES

pants: WHY DID TODAY'S BONEQUEST GET TAGGED WITH #LOU-REED pants: NEVERMIND I DON'T CARE pants: STAMPS OUT CIGAR pants: DEPRESSED J. JONAH JAMESON DOESN'T REALLY GIVE A SHIT IF YOU GET PICTURES OF SPIDER-MAN OR NOT, NOTHING MATTERS

spigot: I LICK DICKS UNTIL THEY FIND THEIR FOREVER HOMES

spigot: I CAN'T BE THE ONLY ONE BEATING OFF AT THIS TIME pants: THAT BETTER BE BEATRIX POTTER AND NOT HARRY POTTER

spigot: NEVER TOUCHING GRASS AS LONG AS I LIVE IS THE NEW TOUCHING GRASS

spigot: GLOP GLORP SENDING YOU VIRTUAL HUGS pants: I AM THE BEAT OFF KING pants: I CAN DO ANYTHING pants: IS BEATOFF ONE WORD OR TWO

deuce: IS IT TOO LATE TO ABORT ME pants: I WILL ASK-A THE POPE

spigot: I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW I DID LOTS OF HANDJOBS IN THE MILITARY spigot: SOMEONE PLEASE FIGURE OUT GLORYHOLES SO I DON'T KEEP SMOOSHING MY NOSE

spigot: COCKSUCKING IN THE OZEMPIC TRI-ZONE deuce: DID NOT COPY YOUR LAST

spigot: Q: WHY IS MY DONG LIKE A UFO spigot: A: IT LACKS ANY DETECTABLE HEAT SIGNATURE

spigot: UP / TOWN / SCRUBS spigot: DOING TINKLE IN THEIR BATH / ROOM / TUBS spigot: THEY'RE SMART HOME HUBS spigot: BE IT RESOLVED I WILL SING THIS TO MY BRIDE THRICE NIGHTLY

effigy: YEAH, WELL, YOU KNOW THE OLD SAYING, LIKE FLATTERY IS THE WORST KIND OF WORSHIP OR WHATEVER deuce: BEGGARS CAN'T BE LOSERS deuce: YOU CAN LEAD A HORSE TO JELL-O, BUT YOU CAN'T MAKE HIM SIT deuce: ONE IN THE HAND IS WORTH TWO UP MY ASS effigy: A FOOL AND HIS BONER deuce: CUM pants: CUM

deuce: IS IT TIME TO DIE YET (I WAS PROGRAMMED FOR A LIFESPAN OF FOUR YEARS BUT SOMETHING WENT WRONG) effigy: I WAS SET FOR 3

deuce: EATING RITZ CRACKERS AND SPRAY CHEESE IN PREPARATION FOR A FROZEN PIZZA pants: AN APPETIZER pants: I'M GOING TO SUCK DICK IN A VAN DOWN BY THE RIVER deuce: SERVICE GUARANTEES CITIZENSHIP pants: SO DOES DICKSUCKING pants: IT'S A DELICATE BALANCE

deuce: TODAY IS THE FIRST DAY OF THE REST OF MY CRUSHING DEPRESSION

deuce: JERK IT MECCA-WARD deuce: (IN THE DIRECTION OF MECCA) pants: AS I HONK TO GOD

spigot: I CAN BARELY AFFORD MY DAILY FIVE HUNDRED EGGS

deuce: MY DICK HAS BEEN ASLEEP FOR THIRTY YEARS deuce: IF IT WAKES UP THE WORLD WILL SUFFER A GREAT TEST deuce: AN EVEN GREATER EXISTENTIAL THREAT TO HUMANITY AND EVEN THE EARTH ITSELF

pants: DRUNK IN PORTLAND, AMA

spigot: LONG THOUGHTFUL STARE INTO SPACE

spigot: IS IT A GOOD SIGN WHEN YOUR REGULAR EYESIGHT WHILE LOOKING AT THE MONITOR IS LIKE TWO RAINBOW PRISMS IN A GLASS OF DISHWATER deuce: ALL PRISMS PRODUCE THE RAINBOW YOU DON'T HAVE TO SHOUT pants: JISMS PRODUCE LIGHT IS WHAT I'M

spigot: FOREVER CHEMICALS IN MY ERECTION CREAMS deuce: PENIS PUMPS POWERED BY CLEAN COAL pants: NOT EVEN I THINK TO GOD

spigot: THE ONLY THING WORSE THAN A.I. SLOP IS ANYTHING MADE BY A HUMAN BEING

pants: DO YOU WANNA GO TO BRUNCH WITH MY BONER spigot: WOULD YOU SAY I'M A PEACOCK ORIGINAL 🏳️‍🌈 spigot: THE WITNESS WILL ANSWER (HONKS GAVEL HORN)

pants: IF I WAS AN INTRO WOULD YOU SKIP ME spigot: PREVIOUSLY ON THE PENISES

deuce: CAN I HEAR YOU ROAR OR IS THAT EXTRA pants: NO THAT'S INCLUDED pants: PACKAGE DEAL deuce: THEN LET'S GET GREASED UP AND LIGHT THIS CANDLE deuce: WE COULD USE BUTTER OR YOU KNOW A NEUTRAL OIL LIKE CANOLA pants: STUFFED IN A BURLAP SACK

pants: WHO ELSE ZIPS THEIR SWEATER ALL THE WAY UP AND PRETENDS TO BE A STARFLEET OFFICER spigot: T PANTS I DO THE PICARD TUG TO STRAIGHTEN THE FRONT (NOT THE AL PACINO TIE TUG FROM HEAT)

spigot: LET'S GO AROUND AND GIVE A QUICK UPDATE ABOUT WHERE WE ARE IN THE GOON CYCLE

spigot: FACES LOADED deuce: MY MIRROR NEURONS HAVE ATROPHIED deuce: SOCIOPATH MODE: ACTIVATED deuce: MEH WHATEVER SLEEPING 15 HOURS

deuce: AH, THE JOYS OF WAKING UP AS THE SUN IS GOING DOWN pants: #BLESSED deuce: THE GAYEST OF GAYS pants: WHAT GAY SHALL WE DO THIS DAY deuce: WHEREAS pants: HERETOFORE pants: PUTTING MY PENIS IN THINGS

spigot: IMAGINE GIVING A SHIT ABOUT ANYTHING GOING ON ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD spigot: MICROCURRENCIES, MICROSTRATEGIES, MICROPENISES spigot: YEAH YOU BETTER RUN spigot: INTRODUCING GOOGLE FLUBBER!!!!!! spigot: GOOGLE FLULBLBLGHRRR spigot: FUCK OFF YOU STUPID SHIT spigot: OKAY I'VE BEEN HILARIOUS FOR EXACTLY 8 HOURS, IT'S SOMEBODY ELSE'S TURN pants: DICKS !!!!! spigot: ANYBODY AT ALL

spigot: PLEASE HOLD WHILE I PUT A PENIS IN MOUTH FOR THIS NEXT BIT spigot: HAFF WIFE FWEE COMFUMNED

pants: COMPRESS ME INTO CUBE FORM deuce: CONVERTING YOU INTO POLYMERS AND THEN EXTRUDING YOU INTO LONG TUBES spigot: POP POP POP POP :BOOM: spigot: U GOT MCNEIL/LEHRERD

spigot: WHAT ABOUT GULF OF BONEQUEST pants: WHAT ABOUT IT pants: I'M RIPE pants: PLUCK ME FROM THE VINE

pants: IS A FAE TRAP WHAT I THINK IT IS

deuce: THIS REMINDS ME OF THAT TIME IN STAR TREK WHERE effigy: T DEUCE effigy: WHAT HAPPENS IN STAR TREK, STAYS IN STAR TREK deuce: DEMATERIALIZE ME AND STORE ME IN THE PATTERN BUFFER UNTIL I SLOWLY DEGRADE deuce: IT'S WHAT I DESERVE deuce: ALSO I'M A PYRONYMPHOMANIAC effigy: INTERESTING. PLEASE CONTINUE. deuce: I HAVE SAID ALL THAT IS REQUIRED DURING THIS TIME CYCLE deuce: (CURLS UP INTO BALL ON THE FLOOR, FARTS QUIETLY) deuce: PTHTHTH

spigot: YOU GOT TIME TO ****LEAN**** spigot: YOU GOT TIME TO LAY ALL THE WAY DOWN ON THE FLOOR spigot: WITH THE PLASTIC TURKEY OVEN BAG SECURED OVER YOUR HEAD spigot: AND BOTH 3/8" PVC HOSE ASSEMBLIES TAPED AND DRAPED SECURELY DOWN EACH SLEEVE spigot: LEADING TO THE POLYPROPYLENE T-FITTING FROM HOME DEPOT spigot: CONNECTING BOTH HELIUM TANKS spigot: SSSSSSSSSSS SS SSSSSS SSSS SSSSSSSSSSS spigot: SSSSS SSSSSSSSSS SSSSSSSSSS SSSSS SSSSSSS SSSSSSSS SSSSS SSSSSSSSSS spigot: YOU ARE DISMISSED, CADET

pants: I DON'T KNOW WHO THIS POST MALONE FELLOW IS BUT HE MAKES A GOOD OREO

deuce: I POOPED pants: HOW DID IT GO deuce: GROSS pants: WOULD YOU SAY IT WAS A SHITSHOW deuce: LET'S NOT GET CARRIED AWAY HERE

spigot: EMPTYING MY TALL CYLINDRICAL GARBAGE CAN UPSIDE-DOWN INTO A TRASH BAG IS LIKE SCIENTISTS IN ANTARCTICA DOING AN ICE CORE EXTRACTION, I CAN SEE WRAPPERS FROM POPTARTS AND SEE'S CANDY BOXES I HAD NEARLY THREE MILLION YEARS AGO spigot: EVEN OUR EARLIEST ANCESTORS HAD MALTED MILK WHOPPERS

spigot: CHRIST IS LOAD spigot: (SQUINTING) spigot: NO THAT'S RIGHT

spigot: SOMETIMES A FROZEN CHEEZE PIZZA IS BETTER THAN A FROZEN PEPPERONI PIZZA BECAUSE YOU DON'T HAVE TO STAND THERE ARRANGING ERRANT PEPPERONIS

deuce: SALVAGE MY COCK, BALLS effigy: ...WHAT IS THEIR ORIENTATION, PLEASE? deuce: ORBITING AROUND EACH OTHER AT NEAR THE SPEED OF LIGHT effigy: WE CAN'T ACCEPT ANY JOBS > 90% OF THE SPEED OF LIGHT effigy: LIABILITY YOU SEE

spigot: ARE WE WORRIED BONEQUEST IS GETTING A LITTLE PHALLOCENTRIC pants: PULLED PORK spigot: A GOFUNDME TO EXECUTE AND BURY US ALL IN A MASS GRAVE

pants: WANNA WATCH ME PISS

spigot: CAN MY PENIS LIVE RENT-FREE IN YOUR REAR END

pants: 1. LOCK TARGET pants: 2. BAIT LINE pants: 3. SPREAD NET pants: 4. ??? pants: 5. PROFIT

pants: I NEED A HUG deuce: THEN A HUG YOU SHALL HAVE

deuce: MY TINY LITTLE BONER, SO PROUD AND TINY pants: SALUTING IT

spigot: WHERE'S MY DAILY HEADS-UP DASHBOARD VISUALIZING OUR BONEQUEST CONTRIBUTIONS THROUGHOUT THE DAY, FROM OUR FIRST MORNING `GLBLG` TO OUR LAST EVENING `HGLBLG` ALONG WITH EVERYONE'S EMOJI COUNT, AN INDIVIDUAL'S PEAK HOURS, MAYBE A

spigot: ARE YOU MAKING "WHEN U NUT BUT SHE KEEP SUCKIN" SHIRTS spigot: WHAT'S WORSE IS WHEN U NUT BUT SHE KEEP EXISTIN effigy: A MAN SELLING ICE CREEEEEEAM... spigot: SUCKING ITALIAN DONGS

spigot: HELPING YOU SHOP THE DOPEST BRANDS pants: FLAPPING MY BATHROBE OPEN TO EXPOSE MY GENITALS BUT THEN I QUICKLY CLOSE THE ROBE pants: I REPEAT THIS UNTIL I FLAP AWAY IN SEARCH OF A BRIGHT LIGHT

spigot: NOW I AM BECOME GAY, THE LICKER OF DICKS spigot: NOT A GREAT ARRANGEMENT

spigot: COULD WE BE ANY OLDER, FATTER, BLINDER, LESS COORDINATED, INVISIBLE TO SOCIETY

pants: WHY IS EVERYBODY SO FUCKING FAT AND ALSO HOW DO I GET FATTER pants: THESE QUESTIONS ARE UNRELATED deuce: ZIPTIE MY DICK pants: TO A CAR DOOR??? deuce: I MEAN, UP TO YOU deuce: SURPRISE ME deuce: HUM A FEW BARS

spigot: NOTHING FUNNY ABOUT MY BAKERY'S FRESHLY-SOURCED NUTS FROM TURKEY

deuce: SOMETIMES I WISH YOU'D BE MORE SENSITIVE TO NON-CORPOREAL LIFE FORMS

pants: WHY DO I LOGIN TO THIS HELL SITE deuce: THE REAL REASON WE'RE ALL WEARING MASKS IS TO KEEP THE COCKS OUT pants: WELL I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO TELL YOU BUT IT'S NOT WORKING deuce: WELL TO TRY TO KEEP THE COCKS OUT pants: AM CONSIDERING USING SPACKLE AND GROUT TO CLOSE THE HOLE ENTIRELY

pants: I'M EVER SO BEATOFFABLE pants: DON'T YOU THINK DARLING pants: FORK ME ON GITHUB deuce: DON'T BE CRUDE pants: T DEUCE FOUND ALL MY GAMEBOYS AND MY PSP AND MY ATARI LYNX pants: NEED YOU TO SHOVE THEM UP MY ASS deuce: HURRAY deuce: SERIALLY OR IN PARALLEL pants: NOT EVEN PARTICULAR

pants: T DEUCE WERE THOSE REALLY YOUR BALLS (IN LAST SUNDAY'S VIDEOCAST) deuce: I CALL THEM BALLCASTS deuce: I MEAN NO

spigot: T H E M A T R I X spigot: CHECKMATE ATHIESTS spigot: R O B O C O P 2 spigot: OKAY YOU GOT ME

deuce: WHENEVER I GO TO A NEW PLACE I PLANT A FLAG JUST IN CASE

spigot: A WORLD WHERE MISTER BEAN IS NO LONGER FREE TO MAKE FUN OF GOING TO CHURCH????????? NO THANK YOU

deuce: MY WIENER BONER IS IDEMPOTENT

deuce: I BOUGHT HOT DOGS!!! deuce: THEREFORE I WILL EAT HOT DOGS TONIGHT pants: :HOTDOG: :HOTDOG: :HOTDOG: :HOTDOG: :HOTDOG: pants: SFX: PAC-MAN NOISES deuce: AHEM I'M THINKING FOUR HOT DOGS pants: DIP THEM IN FROG deuce: DID NOT COPY YOUR LAST pants: OH WORD I HEAR THAT

spigot: HELP spigot: I'VE FALLEN DOWN A VERY DEEP MINESHAFT spigot: I'VE BROKEN EVERY BONE IN MY BODY spigot: I'M IMPALED ON IRON REBAR IN AT LEAST THREE PLACES spigot: I'M BLEEDING TO DEATH pants: (REDDIT VOICE) YOU GOT THIS

spigot: WHY IS THERE LIPSTICK ON THE SUICIDE GUN